Archives for category: I figured I needed a category for food since that’s all I ever talk about

I love, love, love eating baked goods.

The end.

Ok, Not really.

Eating the baked goods technically is the end of the journey.  The problem is the rest of that journey.  I enjoy baking and if I have a whole day to do it I can really appreciate it.  However, when I don’t have time I usually want to give up about mid-way through the process of any baking adventure and just quit. 

That’s why 90% of the time I usually end up eating batter or cookie dough instead of the finished product.

I have a problem. I am the messiest baker ever. No really, you can ask anyone who has ever baked with me. Even a simple “add water and bake” type recipe ends up all over my kitchen. 

For example, last night I was making red velvet cake balls and honestly it looked like I had murdered someone in my kitchen. There was red EVERYWHERE! Then there was the melted chocolate everywhere. I spent a lot of the evening scraping that off of things. Oh and then how I used, let’s see, six different bowls. SIX. For cake pops which should require maybe at the most three.

On top of being the messiest baker I’m also apparently the messiest eater. I walk out from the kitchen and this is the conversation that follows:

Husband: “Did you try some of the icing?”
Me: “Why do you ask?”
Husband:”Just go look in the mirror…”
….Me looking in the mirror….
Husband: “Did you actually get any in your mouth?”

Also, I ate cake that got on my shirt.

This is the reality of my life.  I share it with you to make you feel better about yourself. You’re welcome.

There’s always a certain moment in your life when you know you’ve hit a new low. That moment for me was last night.

Brian and I had just come home from the store and you all know what happens when you get home from the store right? You start opening everything and eating it like you’ve never had a meal in your whole life and you MUST taste that cookie or you will just die!!

I had a 100 calorie package of guacamole that I was eating with chips. There was still some left, but not enough to use a chip to dip it up. So I did what any logical, level-headed person would do. I licked the package clean.

The only problem was, was that I wasn’t alone. And Brian had turned to say something to me right at that precise moment that my tongue licked that last bit of guacamole out. I should have been ashamed, but I wasn’t. I proudly said, “Yes, I’m licking the last of the guacamole out of its package.” His only response was, “I thought I saw that right…”

Here’s the problem…not two minutes later was I opening a Smart Ones Chocolate Eclair. Well, some of the chocolate stuck to the top of the package. And you know where this is going. Yes, I was busted a second time in less than five minutes licking something off of a package.

Listen, it could be worse, I could be eating food out of the trashcan. Oh wait…I’ve done that too.

Don’t ask…

Last night I went to a pizza place I hadn’t been to since basically high school. It brought back so many fond memories of me and my friends going there every Sunday night after evening worship. Ohh the memories; the pizza, the drinks, the arcade games, and the innocence of not being an adult and not having to worry about bills, money, broken down cars, and other stress-inducing scenarios that come with being an adult.

My fondest memory of that particular pizza place is an eating contest that took place there. It was between me  and one of the biggest guys in my class. [By big I don’t mean fat, I mean he was well over six feet tall and was just a big guy.]

Here’s the challenge: Whoever could eat a large pizza the fastest [I didn’t know it was timed fyi] wins.

We each ordered our large pizza and right when it came out we started chowing down. Keep in mind that it was fresh out of the oven. So as I’m eating as fast and as much as I could stuff in my mouth, the roof of my mouth was slowly deteriorating from the burns that I was causing by eating a pizza right out of the oven. Random side note to this, this was also the night that I met one of my friend’s boyfriends for the first time. He had to sit across from me and witness this. I’m sure deep down inside behind that horrified look he was impressed.

After about 20 minutes I hear him say, “DONE!” And I still had maybe two or three pieces left. This is where the fact that I didn’t know it was timed comes into play. I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS TIMED! I thought it was who could eat the most. Dagnabit I had been had. He had beat me.

A few years later, in front of our whole congregation on Senior Night, he informed me and the whole congregation that he had cheated. He had eaten the whole pizza, but later that night he had puked over and over. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that after I had finished my whole large (because I did finish it even though the contest was over) I was hungry a couple of hours later.

But the moral of this story is: I WON–NEENER NEENER NEEEEEEEENER.

After this weekend I don’t think I’m ever going to eat again. Never.  After gorging myself for roughly 56 hours straight I need a break.  How long can you go health wise without eating?

Ok, that’s never going to happen. Especially since I’ve already had Cheerios and am getting ready to indulge myself in some Chef Boyardee Ravioli here in a few minutes. It is the 98% fat-free kind, so I’m sure that makes it healthy.

In addition to eating half of the food supply for the whole city of Lincoln, NE, I also was there to visit my husband’s family and go to a football game. You all will be SO proud of me–I actually watched a few minutes of the game I was at! I also was about five feet away from Larry the Cable Guy at one point if that impresses you. If it annoys you then just ignore that last statement.

Also, ignore this blurry picture of the side of his head.

I would say on a scale of one to best friend, Larry and I are indeed best friends. 

Please though, don’t ignore this picture.  

I wouldn’t want someone else to think this is a sexy pose like I must have thought and repeat the same mistake. I sort of look like an early inclusion into the evolutionary chart.

Not much else can be said about the weekend. I think that picture pretty much sums it up: I’m special. Also, sadly this is the best picture of me that came out of the whole weekend.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll have something interesting to say. What did you all do this weekend?

…the wife will gorge herself and watch trashy television.

My husband was away all weekend in Nebraska watching his beloved Huskers play football in their opening game. 

While I would have loved to have joined him I’m one of the unlucky ones who has to work on Labor Day. 

Here’s what I did during my weekend instead.

I dominated, and I mean DOMINATED, this pile of snacks. 

I felt a little guilty at first, but the minute that Dorito hit my mouth the guilt just washed away. 

I woke up Sunday morning with a sore belly and a food hangover.

And you know the only thing to truly cure a food hangover is to just keep eating. So I charged on and ate more and more and more and more.

Here’s some advice: If you want to consume around 1,000 in less than five minutes order a Route 44 [any drink] and drink it. I did that twice this past weekend.

I’m not going to drag my partner in crime down with me.  I won’t name names.  But you know who you are Lauren. 

Oops!

I will say last night at about 10:30 right before bed when I was standing at the kitchen counter eating half of that bag of Doritos I was thinking that may have been a bad idea. But that didn’t stop me.  

Pairing food and trashy television is a time-honored tradition during girl’s weekends.  And I wasn’t about to break that tradition.

Here it is Monday morning, and although a little tired, I feel refreshed, revived, and a little bloated.

Burp!